Mastectomy: Our society’s limited view of erotic zones has resulted in the oversymbolization of the female breast. Research indicates that the woman’s reaction to mastectomy, removal of the breast, relates not only to her own personal associations to her body, but to her perceptions of her partner’s views as well. While over half of women who have mastectomy report wanting information on the sexual impact of this operation, only four of sixty women mastectomy patients in a recent study received such information. One third of another group of mastectomy patients failed to resume sexual activity more than six months after being released from the hospital. This is the case in spite of the fact that yet another research project has indicated that more than half of the men and women in marriages in which the wife received a mastectomy reported an increased need for intimacy. Here are some guidelines to help with this problem.

1. The wife should not see the scar from surgery. She should be helped to see her whole body, including the surgical site, while still in the hospital and with the husband present. I have the husband and wife look directly at each other’s armpits. It tell them to stare at them and talk about what they feel. “It’s weird. I mean, it seems weird to look at just one part,” said one wife. That is just the point. If you look “at” the scar, that is all you will see. So look at each other, the entire body. Do it in private, but bask for more information from a nurse/oncology specialist after doing this or if you are unable to continue. I find the nurse/oncology specialists to be very helpful in these cases, good teachers and listeners and strong on empathy.

2. Change sides of the bed if necessary, so that the intact breast is first encountered when sexual contact is made. This change seems to help at first. After a time, it really won’t matter.

3. Either you will grow from this problem or the relationship will suffer. It’s up to you. Changing how you have sex does not mean diminishing it. Learning to include other areas of the body for sexual stimulation may enhance, not just’ ‘adjust,” the sexual relationship.

4. Depression is a natural part of living, too. Talking it out together or with someone else can help. And remember, depression is like everything else in life. It does not last forever. One wife reported, “The depression is not so bad if I don’t get too depressed about the depression.”

5. There is no need to “test” things by trying to get “right back to sex.” Being sick and in the hospital takes a lot out of a person besides money. Give yourselves time.

6. All sex does not have to be mutual sex. If one or the other partner wants sex, it is helpful to have some “special” experiences for one partner only. Try the “spa” experience I mentioned in Chapter Eight. Many of the mastectomy patients in my couples group found this helpful in learning to “re-accept” their body. Doctors don’t usually talk about such things because they were trained in the third perspective that all sex is mutual and culminates in intercourse. You know better now. Reopen your own sex clinic.

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